It was 9:30 PM when I answered the phone and heard the doctor’s voice asking for me. Do you know that feeling? The one when suddenly a huge mass creeps up your throat and it’s hard to speak normally. We all know that if a doctor calls you at home at night, it’s bad news. I can’t remember what I was doing at the time. I was on the computer and I’m sure it seemed important at the time, but now it is gone.
The doctor told me to take my daughter to an emergency room as soon as possible. I couldn’t think, my brain felt like it was exploding, and circuits were crossed, synapses not happening. I kept asking her about which hospital, ridiculous details because I couldn’t seem to process the reality. Kirsten was not home, she was at the store buying shampoo. It took me a while to remember she wasn’t home. I quickly told Dave, and then prepared myself for telling Kirsten.
Magically I switched to mom-mode. I had to be strong for my baby girl. She hates blood, doctors, medicine, all of it. She gets scared easily, and who wouldn’t be when told they needed to go to the emergency room because their blood sugar was dangerously high? I was sweating, shaking, and using every ounce of self control I had to talk in a calm and confident voice. Kirsten came home and I told her, “Sweetie, we have to go to emergency room, your blood sugar is very high.”
“Now?” She said in a quiet voice as the tears started to fill her eyes.
“Yes, now. Pack a few things. You’ll probably have to stay overnight.”
Thank you God for giving mothers the power to do this. To rise above the fear we feel and pull it together for our children. As we drove to the hospital I felt as if my insides were burning, yet I was shivering. I kept talking about not being scared and taking everything one step at time. The doctors would help her feel better. How did I miss this, how did it get so bad?
About a week before Christmas Kirsten complained about a sore throat and being thirsty. Isn’t everyone with a sore throat thirsty? Over the break she took a lifeguarding course for six days and had no big complaints. She was tired, but all teenagers are tired and sleep a lot. When we drove home from Bend we had to stop twice so she could pee, this was not like her, but she was drinking a lot. She had some canker sores in her mouth too. This was starting to make me wonder.
Then there was the snowstorm and that was crazy drive home for Erik and Kirsten. New Year’s Eve she ran the First Run downtown with friends and didn’t run fast, but still no big complaints. School started and she was unhappy about that and seemed more emotional than usual. We were watching a movie one night and she went to the bathroom, the door was not closed completely and it sounded like a waterfall. I wondered again about what was going on.
Sunday night she was really tired and I told her she should sleep in and go to school late. When I peeked in Monday morning, she was in a deep sleep that I just couldn’t get myself to wake her. I called the doctor when I arrived at work and made an appointment for in the afternoon. Dave texted me later and told me he couldn’t wake her either and he thought she should stay home.
I drove home and we headed to the doctor. She did not seem to think anything serious was going on because Kirsten “looked so good,” and mentioned a hormonal issue. I was thinking maybe Mono since I had heard some other kids at her high school had it. They drew some blood and we drove home. We had a heart to heart about school and other things teenagers worry about, and once again Kirsten was more emotional than usual. With the doctor not worried, I wasn’t worried. Later that evening, we went to the gym and Kirsten rode a bike for half and hour. She really seemed OK!!! Then, at 9:30, the phone rang.
The emergency room was not crowded, we waited for maybe ten minutes until they showed us to a room, hooked Kirsten up to an IV, and the resident came in and told us Kirsten’s blood sugar and that is was probably type 1 diabetes. The tears were rolling. I curled up on the bed next to my baby and held her. “It’s ok to cry,” the doctor told us.
How did this happen? Am I really holding my daughter in my arms in an emergency room bed? These kind of things don’t happen to us! We are active and healthy. We pay our mortgage and eat lots of vegetables. Really!?!? And my little girl – who is taller than me – that hates needles, blood, or anything medical! And then it hit me…Why not me? I can handle this, I have lived over forty years healthy, I can do this for the next few decades. Oh please, let me wake up and have it be me. Put the IVs in my arms, please! The age old question, WHY?
We all know there is no answer to this question. No point going down the dead end road. There is no logic to evil.
So instead we deal with it, but truly Kirsten is the one. She spent two nights in the hospital. They showed her how to test her blood, give herself injections, and what to eat. She cried a few times, mostly when her IV was involved or as she struggled to learn a new skill. Now she already pricks her finger and injects her insulin like a pro. Once in a while she gets teary and when prodded admits she is angry she has to do all of this. My mantra is one step at a time. First we’ll see how school goes, then we’ll figure out sports and everything else as it comes.
I still wish it were me.
What really amazes me is how everything can change in an instant. When I heard the doctor’s voice, nothing else was important. How do we so easily forget what we should be valuing? At this point, so many things are sharp and in focus, but the rest is fuzzy. The fuzzy stuff is irrelevant. I am so grateful we were lead to make good choices…Going to the doctor, etc. I am grateful we have decent insurance. I am grateful Kirsten is an organized and methodical person. I am grateful my daughter has a manageable condition. I am grateful for my family and friends. There has been a paradigm shift in my life, mostly my daughter’s life. It is humbling for my family. We are not above sickness. This has already changed us. Our meals are much more purposeful and consistent. We are happy to all eat together. And I am seeing how much I can learn from my daughter. This is what she wrote on her Facebook page when she was in the hospital:
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King Jr
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ReplyDeleteTina, Kirsten, I love you guys so much.. It is the hardest thing when you can't go to your family and hug them and hold them. Times like this one. Time and time again I look up to your strength. I ask alot of questions about life. The one that makes the most sense is god gives you things like this sickness to remind you of how strong you are. I remember being on the phone with you when my little boy couldn't walk. I was weeping uncontrollably. You gave me the strength to be strong for him. Your words have been instilled in my heart. Now you have been tested of your strength and every day it shines. You have passed this strength to your daughter.I told her that I am glad that you are her mom and my sister.
ReplyDeleteI went through the "everything changed in an instant" experience several times, as a kid and as an adult-- changing/restricting diet, activities, school/work attendance, and adding medication & doctor visits in life.
ReplyDeleteSuch changes force us to make an adjustment in life. Very frustrating and sad at first, but we humans eventually adapt. Often, such changes are good for our long-term health. Also, such changes bring a family closer, change our perspectives, make us appreciate every small thing. It is my experience that, by the time we fully adapt to the adjustment, diseases often go away.
I include in my daily prayer that God gives peace in your and your daughter's hearts, regardless of superficial life changes.