It's Friday night and I just finished cleaning the kitchen. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but this makes me feel so satisfied and content. The best part was cleaning the floor. Now this was not your Swifer cleaning. No, this was down on my knees with a rag and bucket scrubbing the floors, molding, and of course cabinets, since down that low I could see how gross they were. Why does this make me happy?!?!
Is it the satisfaction of having a goal, breaking it down, doing it and actually being able to SEE the results? How much of our work in life leaves is with results we can see? This is where white collar jobs lose their appeal. Yes, we get paid more, thank god, but there is a price. We lose ourselves because we can't really have our own thoughts with the concentration needed. We hardly ever have tangible results of our work, not on a daily or even weekly basis.(And teaching ESL, I seem to never get positive feedback. If we are ever based on how our kids do on tests, I will quit). Back to my point.
Jesus was a carpenter. Who doesn't know a spiritual carpenter? Somebody who enjoys their work? It must be satisfying to build something you can touch and then eventually use. My stepfather was a trauma surgeon and he constructed planes in his spare time. My dad was an engineer and on weekends he loved to work on the house, even built an addition. He still renovates apartments.
Back to the floors...I know there is a metaphor there somewhere. Sweeping out the old thoughts that clog our minds? About nine years ago I had an epiphany as I was scrubbing floors and I even wrote an inspired story about it, but then promptly left the story in a rental car. Maybe it will come back to me someday.
Today I did not have any sort of epiphany but I was able to clean, really clean - even the cabinet shelves! - and it gave me a purpose and now I have a shiny kitchen.
I am a simple person I guess. My mom would be proud!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Paradigm Shifts Happen
It was 9:30 PM when I answered the phone and heard the doctor’s voice asking for me. Do you know that feeling? The one when suddenly a huge mass creeps up your throat and it’s hard to speak normally. We all know that if a doctor calls you at home at night, it’s bad news. I can’t remember what I was doing at the time. I was on the computer and I’m sure it seemed important at the time, but now it is gone.
The doctor told me to take my daughter to an emergency room as soon as possible. I couldn’t think, my brain felt like it was exploding, and circuits were crossed, synapses not happening. I kept asking her about which hospital, ridiculous details because I couldn’t seem to process the reality. Kirsten was not home, she was at the store buying shampoo. It took me a while to remember she wasn’t home. I quickly told Dave, and then prepared myself for telling Kirsten.
Magically I switched to mom-mode. I had to be strong for my baby girl. She hates blood, doctors, medicine, all of it. She gets scared easily, and who wouldn’t be when told they needed to go to the emergency room because their blood sugar was dangerously high? I was sweating, shaking, and using every ounce of self control I had to talk in a calm and confident voice. Kirsten came home and I told her, “Sweetie, we have to go to emergency room, your blood sugar is very high.”
“Now?” She said in a quiet voice as the tears started to fill her eyes.
“Yes, now. Pack a few things. You’ll probably have to stay overnight.”
Thank you God for giving mothers the power to do this. To rise above the fear we feel and pull it together for our children. As we drove to the hospital I felt as if my insides were burning, yet I was shivering. I kept talking about not being scared and taking everything one step at time. The doctors would help her feel better. How did I miss this, how did it get so bad?
About a week before Christmas Kirsten complained about a sore throat and being thirsty. Isn’t everyone with a sore throat thirsty? Over the break she took a lifeguarding course for six days and had no big complaints. She was tired, but all teenagers are tired and sleep a lot. When we drove home from Bend we had to stop twice so she could pee, this was not like her, but she was drinking a lot. She had some canker sores in her mouth too. This was starting to make me wonder.
Then there was the snowstorm and that was crazy drive home for Erik and Kirsten. New Year’s Eve she ran the First Run downtown with friends and didn’t run fast, but still no big complaints. School started and she was unhappy about that and seemed more emotional than usual. We were watching a movie one night and she went to the bathroom, the door was not closed completely and it sounded like a waterfall. I wondered again about what was going on.
Sunday night she was really tired and I told her she should sleep in and go to school late. When I peeked in Monday morning, she was in a deep sleep that I just couldn’t get myself to wake her. I called the doctor when I arrived at work and made an appointment for in the afternoon. Dave texted me later and told me he couldn’t wake her either and he thought she should stay home.
I drove home and we headed to the doctor. She did not seem to think anything serious was going on because Kirsten “looked so good,” and mentioned a hormonal issue. I was thinking maybe Mono since I had heard some other kids at her high school had it. They drew some blood and we drove home. We had a heart to heart about school and other things teenagers worry about, and once again Kirsten was more emotional than usual. With the doctor not worried, I wasn’t worried. Later that evening, we went to the gym and Kirsten rode a bike for half and hour. She really seemed OK!!! Then, at 9:30, the phone rang.
The emergency room was not crowded, we waited for maybe ten minutes until they showed us to a room, hooked Kirsten up to an IV, and the resident came in and told us Kirsten’s blood sugar and that is was probably type 1 diabetes. The tears were rolling. I curled up on the bed next to my baby and held her. “It’s ok to cry,” the doctor told us.
How did this happen? Am I really holding my daughter in my arms in an emergency room bed? These kind of things don’t happen to us! We are active and healthy. We pay our mortgage and eat lots of vegetables. Really!?!? And my little girl – who is taller than me – that hates needles, blood, or anything medical! And then it hit me…Why not me? I can handle this, I have lived over forty years healthy, I can do this for the next few decades. Oh please, let me wake up and have it be me. Put the IVs in my arms, please! The age old question, WHY?
We all know there is no answer to this question. No point going down the dead end road. There is no logic to evil.
So instead we deal with it, but truly Kirsten is the one. She spent two nights in the hospital. They showed her how to test her blood, give herself injections, and what to eat. She cried a few times, mostly when her IV was involved or as she struggled to learn a new skill. Now she already pricks her finger and injects her insulin like a pro. Once in a while she gets teary and when prodded admits she is angry she has to do all of this. My mantra is one step at a time. First we’ll see how school goes, then we’ll figure out sports and everything else as it comes.
I still wish it were me.
What really amazes me is how everything can change in an instant. When I heard the doctor’s voice, nothing else was important. How do we so easily forget what we should be valuing? At this point, so many things are sharp and in focus, but the rest is fuzzy. The fuzzy stuff is irrelevant. I am so grateful we were lead to make good choices…Going to the doctor, etc. I am grateful we have decent insurance. I am grateful Kirsten is an organized and methodical person. I am grateful my daughter has a manageable condition. I am grateful for my family and friends. There has been a paradigm shift in my life, mostly my daughter’s life. It is humbling for my family. We are not above sickness. This has already changed us. Our meals are much more purposeful and consistent. We are happy to all eat together. And I am seeing how much I can learn from my daughter. This is what she wrote on her Facebook page when she was in the hospital:
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King Jr
The doctor told me to take my daughter to an emergency room as soon as possible. I couldn’t think, my brain felt like it was exploding, and circuits were crossed, synapses not happening. I kept asking her about which hospital, ridiculous details because I couldn’t seem to process the reality. Kirsten was not home, she was at the store buying shampoo. It took me a while to remember she wasn’t home. I quickly told Dave, and then prepared myself for telling Kirsten.
Magically I switched to mom-mode. I had to be strong for my baby girl. She hates blood, doctors, medicine, all of it. She gets scared easily, and who wouldn’t be when told they needed to go to the emergency room because their blood sugar was dangerously high? I was sweating, shaking, and using every ounce of self control I had to talk in a calm and confident voice. Kirsten came home and I told her, “Sweetie, we have to go to emergency room, your blood sugar is very high.”
“Now?” She said in a quiet voice as the tears started to fill her eyes.
“Yes, now. Pack a few things. You’ll probably have to stay overnight.”
Thank you God for giving mothers the power to do this. To rise above the fear we feel and pull it together for our children. As we drove to the hospital I felt as if my insides were burning, yet I was shivering. I kept talking about not being scared and taking everything one step at time. The doctors would help her feel better. How did I miss this, how did it get so bad?
About a week before Christmas Kirsten complained about a sore throat and being thirsty. Isn’t everyone with a sore throat thirsty? Over the break she took a lifeguarding course for six days and had no big complaints. She was tired, but all teenagers are tired and sleep a lot. When we drove home from Bend we had to stop twice so she could pee, this was not like her, but she was drinking a lot. She had some canker sores in her mouth too. This was starting to make me wonder.
Then there was the snowstorm and that was crazy drive home for Erik and Kirsten. New Year’s Eve she ran the First Run downtown with friends and didn’t run fast, but still no big complaints. School started and she was unhappy about that and seemed more emotional than usual. We were watching a movie one night and she went to the bathroom, the door was not closed completely and it sounded like a waterfall. I wondered again about what was going on.
Sunday night she was really tired and I told her she should sleep in and go to school late. When I peeked in Monday morning, she was in a deep sleep that I just couldn’t get myself to wake her. I called the doctor when I arrived at work and made an appointment for in the afternoon. Dave texted me later and told me he couldn’t wake her either and he thought she should stay home.
I drove home and we headed to the doctor. She did not seem to think anything serious was going on because Kirsten “looked so good,” and mentioned a hormonal issue. I was thinking maybe Mono since I had heard some other kids at her high school had it. They drew some blood and we drove home. We had a heart to heart about school and other things teenagers worry about, and once again Kirsten was more emotional than usual. With the doctor not worried, I wasn’t worried. Later that evening, we went to the gym and Kirsten rode a bike for half and hour. She really seemed OK!!! Then, at 9:30, the phone rang.
The emergency room was not crowded, we waited for maybe ten minutes until they showed us to a room, hooked Kirsten up to an IV, and the resident came in and told us Kirsten’s blood sugar and that is was probably type 1 diabetes. The tears were rolling. I curled up on the bed next to my baby and held her. “It’s ok to cry,” the doctor told us.
How did this happen? Am I really holding my daughter in my arms in an emergency room bed? These kind of things don’t happen to us! We are active and healthy. We pay our mortgage and eat lots of vegetables. Really!?!? And my little girl – who is taller than me – that hates needles, blood, or anything medical! And then it hit me…Why not me? I can handle this, I have lived over forty years healthy, I can do this for the next few decades. Oh please, let me wake up and have it be me. Put the IVs in my arms, please! The age old question, WHY?
We all know there is no answer to this question. No point going down the dead end road. There is no logic to evil.
So instead we deal with it, but truly Kirsten is the one. She spent two nights in the hospital. They showed her how to test her blood, give herself injections, and what to eat. She cried a few times, mostly when her IV was involved or as she struggled to learn a new skill. Now she already pricks her finger and injects her insulin like a pro. Once in a while she gets teary and when prodded admits she is angry she has to do all of this. My mantra is one step at a time. First we’ll see how school goes, then we’ll figure out sports and everything else as it comes.
I still wish it were me.
What really amazes me is how everything can change in an instant. When I heard the doctor’s voice, nothing else was important. How do we so easily forget what we should be valuing? At this point, so many things are sharp and in focus, but the rest is fuzzy. The fuzzy stuff is irrelevant. I am so grateful we were lead to make good choices…Going to the doctor, etc. I am grateful we have decent insurance. I am grateful Kirsten is an organized and methodical person. I am grateful my daughter has a manageable condition. I am grateful for my family and friends. There has been a paradigm shift in my life, mostly my daughter’s life. It is humbling for my family. We are not above sickness. This has already changed us. Our meals are much more purposeful and consistent. We are happy to all eat together. And I am seeing how much I can learn from my daughter. This is what she wrote on her Facebook page when she was in the hospital:
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King Jr
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Decade
http://kalman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/31/by-george/
The pursuit of happiness blog linked above is incredible. Random yes, but somehow it feeds into my theme.
I have been blown away this week by the creativity of others and I am feeling inadequate, lazy.
I read the book "Unless" by Carol Shields. The main character ponders the concept of "goodness" because her daughter has chosen to be homeless and sits on a corner of Toronto every day wearing sign with the word "GOODNESS" on it. The main character is an author and in the process of writing a book and she has three daughters and a happy marriage. The edition I have also has some information about Ms.Shields. Turns out she was writing the book as she was dying of breast cancer. The book was so well written I forced myself to slow down. Those of you who know me, know I am a speed reader known to gloss over the details. I cried when I finished it.
Did I cry because it was sad. No, not really, though it was kind of sad. Did I cry because it was such a great book? No. I cried because it made me feel that I will never, ever, be capable of writing a book like that! Why!?!? Well, sometimes I think it is simply because I am too darned lazy to do research. I may also not be disciplined enough, though my discipline in athletics should carry-over, right? OK, and my mommy-ADD has to take some of the blame. Oh wait, Carol Shields raised more kids than I did, but it was in Canada and everyone knows they are much more sensible than us driven Americans.
So I cried over a book, fiction. But what you need to know is I was, overall, so happy these past two weeks and being the over-analytical type I have been wondering why (back to pursuit of happiness). No work, that is always nice. Cleaned out some closets, slept alot, read some books, finished some puzzles, skied, and spent time with family and friends. Why can't life always be like this??? Would we appreciate it if it were? Do we really need the bad to appreciate the good?Would goodness exist without badness? I say yes. Do I need a not-great job to appreciate my time off? Perhaps. Enough self-serving philosophizing, on to 20-10.
So as I ponder the previous year I feel like the coming one cannot compete.I finished my Masters and ran an amazing marathon, two biggies on my bucket list. What's next? This year I need to find a full time job so we can support the higher education of our children. I want my work to not induce dread, like my teaching is somewhat this year. I guess I am in pursuit of happiness but also goodness. I want to do good and "enjoy" it. Teaching ESL, giving my marginalized students a voice, usually makes me feel like I am doing good. However, we all know work is work, but I feel like there has to be a little more joy than I am experiencing in my work right now. Some would say I am not grateful enough. I am truly glad to have a job and a teaching schedule is wonderful. I am just not sure I can do it full time and maintain sanity and fitness (which is part of my sanity).
Well, according to the blog linked above, I need to savor the moment. OK, I just had a good workout, good breakfast, and some quiet time to write this...Life is good and I will focus on that. It's all the others in the world suffering that make it hard to enjoy sometimes. I will pray for peace and health for all. May you have what you need today and every day.
The pursuit of happiness blog linked above is incredible. Random yes, but somehow it feeds into my theme.
I have been blown away this week by the creativity of others and I am feeling inadequate, lazy.
I read the book "Unless" by Carol Shields. The main character ponders the concept of "goodness" because her daughter has chosen to be homeless and sits on a corner of Toronto every day wearing sign with the word "GOODNESS" on it. The main character is an author and in the process of writing a book and she has three daughters and a happy marriage. The edition I have also has some information about Ms.Shields. Turns out she was writing the book as she was dying of breast cancer. The book was so well written I forced myself to slow down. Those of you who know me, know I am a speed reader known to gloss over the details. I cried when I finished it.
Did I cry because it was sad. No, not really, though it was kind of sad. Did I cry because it was such a great book? No. I cried because it made me feel that I will never, ever, be capable of writing a book like that! Why!?!? Well, sometimes I think it is simply because I am too darned lazy to do research. I may also not be disciplined enough, though my discipline in athletics should carry-over, right? OK, and my mommy-ADD has to take some of the blame. Oh wait, Carol Shields raised more kids than I did, but it was in Canada and everyone knows they are much more sensible than us driven Americans.
So I cried over a book, fiction. But what you need to know is I was, overall, so happy these past two weeks and being the over-analytical type I have been wondering why (back to pursuit of happiness). No work, that is always nice. Cleaned out some closets, slept alot, read some books, finished some puzzles, skied, and spent time with family and friends. Why can't life always be like this??? Would we appreciate it if it were? Do we really need the bad to appreciate the good?Would goodness exist without badness? I say yes. Do I need a not-great job to appreciate my time off? Perhaps. Enough self-serving philosophizing, on to 20-10.
So as I ponder the previous year I feel like the coming one cannot compete.I finished my Masters and ran an amazing marathon, two biggies on my bucket list. What's next? This year I need to find a full time job so we can support the higher education of our children. I want my work to not induce dread, like my teaching is somewhat this year. I guess I am in pursuit of happiness but also goodness. I want to do good and "enjoy" it. Teaching ESL, giving my marginalized students a voice, usually makes me feel like I am doing good. However, we all know work is work, but I feel like there has to be a little more joy than I am experiencing in my work right now. Some would say I am not grateful enough. I am truly glad to have a job and a teaching schedule is wonderful. I am just not sure I can do it full time and maintain sanity and fitness (which is part of my sanity).
Well, according to the blog linked above, I need to savor the moment. OK, I just had a good workout, good breakfast, and some quiet time to write this...Life is good and I will focus on that. It's all the others in the world suffering that make it hard to enjoy sometimes. I will pray for peace and health for all. May you have what you need today and every day.
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